Adventures in Birdsitting

This week God has spoken and I have listened, but I was a little slow on the uptake on this one.  That's not surprising.  I've had some very painful things happen in my life and learned to depend on me and only me.   I've always kept my faith in the Lord and knew inherently He would take care of me, but in the everyday I depended on me because I had learned I couldn't depend on "mankind."  I've given God my worries and fears over and over, but invariably, I'd take them back.  More recently, just before starting this study, I started to feel that tug that God was at me, letting me know He's still there just waiting for me to figure that out once and for all.  

Things are different.  My guard is down now.  I'm secure in me and in a much different (and better) place in my life both literally and figuratively.  I've allowed myself lately to "let go and let God" as the saying goes.  I've so desired to hear Him speak in whatever way He chose to communicate with me.  I've gotten deeper into His word and really started to listen with my ears and my heart.  I've reached out to people who are going through or have already been through similar things I'm struggling with and whose opinions and faith I trust.

I have some health issues (mainly Crohn's disease) and it's really dragged me down the past months. I'm physically drained from it and I fear that if I don't get a handle on it, I won't have the strength to fight if it were to get worse or require surgery.  I've worked at my profession from home for nearly two decades and have felt God preparing me to move away from the career I loved.  I could see Him preparing my heart to be ready to give up that job and that dependency on the income it provided.  This is way outside of my comfort zone;  like miles outside.  I've worked since I was 16 years old.  How could I not work?  How could I just walk away from a job when many others can't find one?  How could I give up income that we depend on?  It just didn't make sense yet I still kept feeling Him tell me to rest, stop worrying, heal, and just be still.  I knew stepping away from work for a bit would allow me to spend the time and patience needed to be the mom and wife He wants me to be as well, and ready me for what great things He has in store for me next.

I asked the five questions in our study, looking to see if this monumental decision lined up with those. I discussed it with a wonderful friend and Bible study mate and my most important mate, my husband.  I had support from all fronts, thankfully.  I asked God for further confirmation of what I felt He wanted me to do, something that would give me comfort about finances (one of my biggest worries in my world).  Then I waited.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (or the yard, as we call it)...my son and husband discovered a baby bird, alone in its nest.  Mama and another sibling passed away, most likely the result of some animal.  They rescued the baby and surprisingly we could still hear a little 'peeping' in the bush where the nest was perched.  My husband did some searching and found another little baby on the ground, neck outstretched, mouth agape, waiting to be fed.  Two babies were rescued last night, happy to be reunited with a sibling and snuggled together in the nest their mother lovingly built for them.  It was when my sweet son was feeding them in their new and temporary home in the garage and giving them exactly what they needed, that it dawned on me.  This was my confirmation.  God was letting me know through these tiny creatures that just like He had provided for them, brought to them what they needed...someone to care for them, nourish them, give them shelter and help them thrive...that He would do the same for me and my family.  God is awesome.  He works so wonderfully, sometimes mysteriously, but always in pretty cool ways that speak to us so personally and in just the way we need.

Wholly Committed...

Is God calling me to be wholly committed to Him?  I do indeed think He is.  I've always been committed to Him, but I have felt that tug for quite sometime that He desires a deeper, more intimate relationship with me and I've wanted that;  I just wasn't quite sure how to achieve it.  Life was always so busy.  I'm not proud to admit that I allowed my busyness to be an excuse as to why I couldn't (or didn't) spend more time in the Word or praying, seeking that deeper commitment.  Life has certainly changed for me in the past couple of years, in the past couple of months.  He's been opening doors and closing some windows in weird sorts of ways.  I do so love to see how God works though.  It's usually in the ways I wouldn't have thought of it and I adore that about Him.

At this moment in my life, I'm a newlywed (for the second and better time).  I have a tween and a teen. I've worked at home in a profession I love and was successful at for almost two decades and that door is falling shut, slowly but surely.  But He has prepared me for this, for what I believe to be my second calling.  In the oddest of ways, He's preparing me.  The girl who was once terrified to speak in front of more than two people, now has spoken in front of a few groups of people (for a few different reasons) and liked it.  Say what??

I believe God is preparing me to share My Story.  We all have a story and should not be defined by it, but share it.  I have shared it along the way when I felt strongly prompted to do so.  My story, a very tragic and traumatic event in my life, has given comfort and inspiration to those I've carefully told it to. For that reason, I've kept my eyes and my heart open.  I see where He's leading me to tell my story to others in hopes of helping someone who is struggling.  He knows what I need, when I need it, and why I need it, and now that I've let go of my worries and fears, I can dive in becoming wholly committed.   I've carried a quote around with me lately.  It's meaningful to me and makes me, well, just happy.  "Jesus knows me, this I love."

How Can We Say 'No'?

Women generally have a difficult time saying 'no' when asked to do something.  We take on more than we can handle because we feel guilty saying 'no.'  So if we are 'yes women', it should be easy to say 'yes' to God, right?  Au contraire.  It's really difficult to say 'yes' to God sometimes, many times. But I've joined this amazing new Bible study that has drawn me in from page one and I desire with my heart to be a woman who says 'yes' to God.  When I embarked on the first chapter of this study, I got more than I bargained for and was able to dig deep already.  I think that is because God has prepared my heart and He's been patiently waiting.  The past few years have been some crazy ones;  some bad crazy then some good crazy.  My heart, I will admit, has been carefully guarded.  I don't want to be hurt any more.  I'm scared.
 
One question posed in the study asked what holds me back from a deeper relationship with God.  Fear, that's what. Fear obstructs my faith.  Because so many ugly things out of my control have happened in my life, I desire complete control over all circumstances.  Of course, it's an illusion.  None of us has complete control over anything.  But we like to think if we can just keep it all controlled, we'll be okay.  What if we didn't control it all and let GOD do it?  Wouldn't we be okay anyway?  After all, He knows everything, He sees the big picture, and has far more information to base His decisions on that us mere mortals have.  He's much better qualified to control my life than I am and I'm finally getting on board with that.  Trying to control and micromanage everything feeds my fears and frankly, is exhausting.

God wants only good for us.  He loves us and wants us to prosper, be happy, be joyful.  I do need to let go, relinquish that semblance of control and let Him have my 'junk';  my worries, fears, hurts, and tears. He can have it all and much more freely turn all that junk into beauty, something He's been working on for awhile.  I have prayed during my Bible study time for the Lord to take these burdens and this time, help me to let Him KEEP the burdens of fear, worry, anxiety.  I want this deeper relationship with God. I want to hear Him speak more and just be still.  I want these things and to gain them, I am saying "Yes!"